Pillow Princesses (Labels 101)

The very first woman I "talked" to was a touch-me-not stud. I didn't know what a touch-me-not stud was, so I had to do a little bit of research. I was never with her physically, but she talked a lot about her expectations in the bedroom. The biggest thing about ... T. was that she did not want any sort of "lesbian" type sex bullshit. No scissoring. No mutual masturbation type stuff, no lovey dovey girly shit (her words, not mine). I was surprised she enjoyed kissing, actually.

The idea of her touching me and me not being "allowed" to touch her back felt like I would have to sit on my hands or hold back a part of myself that is natural. I like to please. I like to give to my partner what she is giving to me.

But T. didn't want any of that.

So when I hear people describe "pillow princesses" as people who are selfish, I get a little bit ... angry.

If I had entered into a physical relationship with T., would I have been "selfish?" I most certainly would have been a pillow princess and aren't the two words in the LGBTQ community synonymous? 

If I'm giving my lover pleasure, I ... let me bold that ... I am getting something out of it. I get pleasure from seeing pleasure. I'm not some saint that is going around giving of myself and getting nothing in return -- not even the satisfaction of a job well done. Giving GIVES the GIVER pleasure. That's why we give. And anyone who says differently is either Jesus or a liar. Giving our lover pleasure gives something back to us. The person who is receiving also gets pleasure from the stimulus and the closeness and the other good stuff that is happening, but it's different. And there are people who really only receive pleasure from giving -- not so much from getting. Has nothing to do with their not wanting to be a woman. Or it might. But that's up to the person (not you) to decide.

But I digress.

If someone is GETTING pleasure from giving, then how does that make the pillow princess selfish?  Isn't the "pillow princess" simply allowing the person to get pleasure? And then, wouldn't that be the opposite of selfish? Wouldn't that be selfLESS?

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Femmes who are not "pillow princesses" often say, "I want to give my partner pleasure, too. I love to please them..." Wanting to please someone is not a selfless act, that is purely selfish. That's "self" driven. Driven by our want and our own desire. We (femmes) get something from pleasing our partner. We want to give them the same pleasure that we are feeling for our own wants and desires. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Maybe I'm looking at this whole thing too logically though.

A touch-me-not with the right person is not strange and hiding or rigid or whatever other negative term we want to give them. With a "pillow princess" they will be quite happy together and no one will be the wiser. Problems occur when we don't know the other person's role. We don't know how our partner receives or gives pleasure, and when it doesn't fit with our idea/s we throw out labels like "selfish" and "rigid" or "scared to be a woman" or whatever else is in our arsenal.

Am I missing something?