Housecleaning

I don't think anyone can clean my bathroom as well as I can. I think I probably even clean the bathroom better than the professional housekeeper people.

I don't mean to be a snob about my bathroom cleaning habits, but I've seen the way other people clean them and I'm not a fan.

First step to cleaning a bathroom is understanding the tools one will need. Because I have often lived in a home with white people (and I love them), many of the tools I need are specific to deal with white people's hair. White people's hair can not be mopped up or swiffered up or even prayed away. You need the dry swiffer pads or a paper towel to first go in and wipe off counters, floors and toilets (and tubs) so that the white people hair is out of the way. If you do not do this very important step, you will be forever pulling white people's hair off of your hands and body through out the bathroom cleaning process. Like I said, I love my white people. But your hair is persistent as you know what. But back to the tools: you need to understand your tools. A mop is only going to carry you so far in a bathroom, then you need to just accept the fact that you'll be up close and personal behind the toilet with a rag to reach the places a mop won't reach. And while we're on the toilet, might as well just scrub that whole thing down on the outside because that's the only way it's getting clean.

Second step to cleaning the john is knowing it will not be a quick job. That little room that is no bigger than a cell in Orange is the New Black is deceiving. That room has tile and a tub and sink and toilet ... and well, you know. But you really don't until you start cleaning it. Then there are all the bottles in the showers and on your counter top -- they get dusty. The soap dish? Nasty. There's sorting and ... just take my word for it. It's not easy peasy. No professional bathroom cleaner ever says "I'll be right back" when they enter the room to clean it. No. One. We know it's going to take at least an hour. Only amateurs think that's a simple job.

Third step is realizing that while cleaning the shower, you're going to just end up taking a shower. Strip, and hop on in. Yes I know there's chemicals in some of the cleaning products -- that's why you should probably not use bleach or other harmful cleaning agents. Just get some Fresh and Clean stuff and a nice rag and use some elbow grease. The sweat running down your face in buckets? Don't you worry. You'll just take a shower afterward (carefully!) and you'll be good to go. Make sure you put down towels when you get out of the shower though and tread carefully. Seriously, don't mess up anything. And shower with the door open and the fan on so your mirror doesn't get messed up.

Fourth step is realizing that no matter how much you clean your bathroom , you'll still need to do maintenance along the way. Do a little bit at a time. It will save you a few minutes. 

Maybe it's because I grew up in a home with three brothers. (A bathroom shared with three brothers is a whole other post with special tools (one including special sponges to wipe down the walls around toilets -- no explanation should be needed.)

Maybe it's because my mother is one of the biggest neat freaks I know. I spent almost a month with her in June/July and she cleaned the counter/island in the kitchen more times than can be healthy. My mother often threw fits when I didn't vacuum the carpet the right way (yes, there is a right way) or when I wouldn't scrub the floor in the right manner. Back then using a mop or swiffer thingee was pretty much against the law. Hands and knees, baby, that's the only way we washed floors when I was growing up. I'm not that fanatic with other rooms (yet) but I know I have the gene inside of me that could erupt at any moment and cause me to permanently turn into her and then Lord have mercy on all of your souls.

What's my point?

Oh yeah.

So when I mention that I'm cleaning the bathroom, know that it's serious business. I'm CLEANING the bathroom. I'm gonna walk out of that bathroom looking like I just got out of a two hour spin class on the hardest resistance. If you happen to walk by while I'm cleaning and consider "helping" or even wish to inform me that you have already cleaned the bathroom, just don't. Walk away.

I got this.

Really.