This is going to be one of those entries. You've been warned.
My mother drives me absolutely 100% crazy. It always starts off decently, and then she just slowly loses her mind. I understand having people in your home, and that getting on your damn nerves. But she invited me here. She "allowed" the family reunion to take place. So the fact that she is bitchy, compulsive, picky, insulting, sarcastic, passive aggressive, and otherwise just a royal pain in my ass is causing me to consider having a drink at 10:13 in the morning.
I got up this morning -- pushed myself into the kitchen at 8:00AM to make breakfast for everyone: cinnamon pancakes, scrambled eggs, orange juice, bacon (turkey and pork) and then no one eats. I told them I was going to cook -- Jay was sick in bed with a migraine and stomach ache, dad was burning the f*** out of the bacon and my mother? My dear sweet mother was criticizing me for washing the dishes by hand as I went along (I was wasting water by doing it that way and not putting them in the dishwasher), making her own breakfast because mine wasn't good enough for her, wiping up after me even though I was fully capable of doing it on my own (and actually was)... basically nagging the ever living heck out of me.
Jay says it's probably because my mother is introverted, a bit senile, and probably way tired of having people in her home. I don't see my mother often and this "mood" of hers (and whatever is causing it) reminds me why.
It's way more than that though...
Sometimes I feel like my mother has no idea what to do with me. I'm her daughter, and as such I feel like we should be close. Right? I always imagined these mother daughter talks we would have, and early on I pretty much realized that that wasn't going to happen. We are very different from one another, and even when we can bond over shared things, it's short-lived. She always wanted to have a daughter, she told me once, and well -- she bought me (adopted) so it's not like she "had" to have a daughter. My father wasn't much "help" when it came to girls either so --- what am I saying? I guess I'm saying I wish I had my mommy. Like had her in a way that moms and daughters have one another.
I need a new mommy right now. I don't think my mother is going to be back to her "almost normal" for several months.
I'm taking applications...
Oh, how I can relate with you on this. Then I wonder is the mom we wish for ever the one we have? And then I realize I'm a mom of an adult daughter too, and the moments I've let her down, all the time loving her so much it hurts. Every loving relationship, including mother/daughter ones, require communication, and so often my daughter and I make assumptions grounded in misconceptions. I don't know why it is but the hardest conversations are with the people I love the most, especially my children. So, I'm not filling out any applications this morning, I have enough trouble with a daughter of my own... I'd hate to disappoint you too... But I'm looking forward to seeing you when you get home. Can't wait to take you to lunch. Don't let the little lake fishies nibble your toes.
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