Delete

I save things. Yes, I realize this probably means I'm a pack rat to a certain extent, but it's not to hoarder level. Yet. People can come into my room (well, maybe in a few hours, but still...) and be quite comfortable. Really.

But I hang onto things until I know I don't need them anymore. Usually this means until I move or do some deep cleaning. Don't judge me. Admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Anyway - I hold onto things. Especially emails. I know that there are folders and my inbox could look better without the thousands (yeah, I said thousands) of emails floating around in there. The other day I decided I could tackle a hundred of them (or so) and went to work.

I imagine this has happened to me before  -- I get this burst of energy and decide I'm going to go after the inbox and then I step inside and find what I've been avoiding all along. There is a past in that there inbox.

Several years ago I ran into a psychopath. My first, I wasn't sure until I underwent a few years of therapy. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Being lied to is like ... being raped emotionally with razor blades. Every lie I was told I had to go back and figure out (for my sanity) what the real truth was. Then I needed confirmation, which if you've ever dealt with a psychopath, is damned near impossible to determine as authentic. I hung onto the emails and the "confessions" as some sort of confirmation. I needed the proof that I wasn't losing my mind. I needed to know that I was right. I thought that would make me feel better.

I was so wrong.

When someone is a liar, and a very good one at that, there is no amount of proof, emails, confirmations, admittance, confessions, letters, apologies that will make you feel sane. There is no confirmation that will make the cuts not happen. There is no folder that you can bring up in a dark moment to give you guidance through the amount of lies assholes will toss your way. Holding onto reminders of liars just takes up space.

Space that could be used for more beautiful things.

Your confirmation is in your soul. Know you are right.

And then delete.