Common Denominator

I have a brother who married the same woman twice.

He knew he was marrying her twice --- it wasn't a mistake. I mean, it wasn't by accident that he married her. It was a mistake that he married her. The second time.

My brother has also been married to a 2nd woman who I really never liked from the beginning. Glad I never held back my dislike of her, even when my parents were giving me the side eye and telling me to act my age when I made horse noises at her and commented about how one should make sure to curve their fingers under when holding out food for her to eat. I learned how to feed horses when I was responsible for taking my cousin to riding lessons -- I was just trying to be helpful.

When I was home visiting, my brother introduced me to a new girlfriend. They had been dating for about a year. I instantly liked her. Petite and spunky, this woman held her own. She was no one's "kid" much like the wife before had been. She had a career, was active and healthy and pushed my brother out of his comfort zones. I gave her a warm hug when we parted and told her I'd see her for a day (or two) during the family reunion. When my brother announced that they had broken things off a few weeks later, I had reached my limit. This girl, I thought, was THE girl that would turn it all around. She wasn't 25 years younger (wife #3), she wasn't cheating on my brother in the parking lots of her work (wife #1 & #2)... I mean -- I was hopeful! And then, just like that, disaster struck again.

I cannot find a single common thing in these women other than the fact that they were all white, they were all blonde, and they were all women. There weren't even common factors that led to the break up with my brother (well actually, there was with #1 and #2, but only because it was THE SAME WOMAN.) But all three women had my brother in common. My brother, as much as I love him and as much as it hurts me to say this, IS the common denominator.

I can give a list of people who I have dated -- men and women -- and I could show you the variety of skin color, height, weight, finances, religion, philosophies, family background. There are cheaters, liars, marijuana and tobacco users -- there are many, many different variances. But the one common thing they all share? Me. Well, not intimately -- that makes me sound like some equal opportunity ho, but seriously. They all have me in common. And I chose them. So really, I am the common denominator. If I wanna see why these relationships didn't work,  I can't look to them to find my answers because they are varied. The true answer will come from only one place.

*checks mirror*

No one wants to do that though, it seems. And that's sad for them. People spend lifetimes looking at other people's faults and what they did in the relationship to cause you the pain and why do you keep picking these losers for mates and blah blah blah. Why indeed? What is it about ME that made me choose W, X, and Y before I chose Z. It's far easier for me to point fingers at all their mistakes and fuck ups but the truth is only really going to shine when I take a look in the mirror. Never taking that hard look at yourself costs you. Some people, I guess, don't mind the fee because as soon as a relationship ends they are off and hopping onto another person, never giving themselves an opportunity to reflect and get to know themselves well enough so they CAN choose a person who best suits them. Never giving themselves enough time to love their flaws so that they are best able to allow someone else to love them, too. Never giving themselves enough time to figure out if they are an asshole or not. You just might be one. Maybe you are way too selfish and all up in your ego and nasty to your partners. Maybe you're too spoiled and entitled -- too set in your ways to compromise. When will you ever figure it out if you're never alone long enough to reflect.

Hey, but what do I know?  I'm just a forty-seven year old woman who has made plenty of wrong choices and writes a blog about many of them in hopes that her readers don't have to experience the shit.

;)