What a Girl Wants

 So, what does a girl want, Kari? First, a disclosure:

I know I am not a girl anymore, but I like the name of the song -- what a girl wants. You know, Xtina. Anyway -- please don't go feminist movement on me and tell me you're not a girl  (also a song, by the way!). Also please note that I'm not speaking for every girl. I can only speak for me. But "What this woman wants" doesn't catch you as well as the title I chose. :) 

I often ask the question about what people want on the page Lesbian Love and Advice, and I get the same canned responses. Everyone knows that you don't want games, you don't want a player, you want honesty, you want commitment and love... those things should just be assumed. No one enters a relationship not wanting to be loved. What I'm curious about are the things we don't always ask for, but secretly really need. These are the things that could potentially break up a couple -- leaving the person to write a "Dear LLA" letter about how they "didn't see this coming."

So here is my list of six things I want, but don't always think to ask for, but am always happy when I get.

1. A girl wants attention.  Yes, yes, yes. Attention is good. Real good. I love lots of attention. If you don't have attention to give me, however, I'm more than happy to wait until you are able to give me the attention I so desperately crave. Wanting attention is not a bad thing. A girl saying she wants attention should not cue the valet to get your car so you can make a fast getaway, either. I'm currently dating a woman who works all.the.time. But she gives me a whole lot of attention when she has it to give and that's what counts. Good morning texts. Good night texts. Texts on breaks during work. Phone calls on the way to work. Phone calls on the way home from work. Phone calls before we go to bed. We are probably sickeningly over the top when it comes to attention, but I give her equal amounts. And why? I don't want her to think that I take her for granted. I don't want her to wonder if I'm thinking about her. I want to know I'm on her mind and I want her to know she's on mine. It feels good. I like it. 
2. A girl wants compliments.  Yes, I might not be good at taking a compliment in. I may argue, and tell you you're crazy. But I like being told I'm pretty. I like being told I have pretty lips, or soft skin. I like being told I kiss well. I also like compliments about my writing, or compliments about how sweet I am or how I make you laugh. I love to give compliments because I like for people to know I appreciate and adore them. If I am not showing my appreciation for my partner, then some slut woman might come along and scoop in -- she'll fill my woman's head up with all kinds of compliments she secretly needs to hear from me, and maybe that will fill a void. No, thank you! Back up Sistergirlfriend, I got this. It's not just because I'm worried about someone stealing her that I tell her how beautiful I think she is -- she'd be beautiful even if she was with someone else (not really, but it sounded good)-- I want her to know that I see her beauty in everything that she does and in every way that she is. People need compliments. They are like hugs for your insides. 
3. A girl wants to laugh.  If you can make me laugh, you have won a part of me forever. I love to laugh. If you have a sense of humor (dry with a side of sarcasm) you're in. Laughing is good for you. It makes you healthy-- is proven to reduce stress and lower your blood pressure if it's too high. It's a work out for your heart so it makes you stronger. It also curbs grouchiness and bitchiness. Many, many of my bitchiest moments have been eliminated because of laughter. It's a tool to make me put down my weapon, my suitcase, my argument I think I need. We need to have more fun in our relationships. It's not that serious. It really rarely is. 
4. A girl wants to be shown off.  Now, here we come with the facebook stuff. This is why statuses matter. Disagree if you want, but go ahead now (if you're not with someone) and change your status to "in a relationship" or if you're in a relationship and the name is there, take her name off and just leave it as "in a relationship" and see what happens. Yes, if she knows you are together it shouldn't matter, but ask yourself how she knows you're together. Do you go out at night? Do you introduce her to your friends? Do you know the name of her mama and did you text her for her birthday last week? A girl wants to know that you are proud to be seen with her, and if you are having a facebook romance and she doesn't have the luxury of being on your arm at a party or at a restaurant or at your friend's wedding in a few weeks, then your status is EVERYTHANG. Facebook aside, I like it when she tells me she showed a picture of me to one of her friends, or when she tags me in her posts, or when she comments on a picture and then steals it for her wallet, or whatever else she does that makes me feel that she is proud to be seen with me. 
5. A girl wants you to remember.  "I know you don't like green," I told her today while writing this post. "You remember the most random of things," she replied. And of course she is right. I don't remember well. It's taken me forever to remember her birthday, and I still have to ask her what sign she is, even though I can look it up and she reads our horoscopes out loud practically every day. I blame it on my age, but I think it's probably more a cause of my inattentive ass. Not remembering important things will take a toll on the relationship, eventually. If someone has to repeat things left and right, then they begin to feel that their words are not important to you -- that they are not important to you. So I've taken to writing things down. And when I don't hear something that she says, I try (I'm trying!) to say "can you repeat that, I wasn't paying attention."  It's not fun to admit you're not paying attention, but it beats having her have to repeat things over and over again. On the other side of the coin, I want her to remember everything I tell her (and she does!) so it's only fair that I put in the effort to remember things she says as well. 
6. She wants to feel safe.  I want to feel safe emotionally as well as physically. I don't want my heart broken, so I will look for possible hints of that happening and bail whenever I see the markers. A person's temper, the way they handle conflict, the way they handle their own emotions, the way they are with family and friends -- all of these things will be clues for a woman in how safe they will be with another person. Will you walk on her right side or left?  Will you text while driving or even multitask while driving? Will you use drugs or smoke and drink? Will you let things bottle up and then explode or do you talk about things or walk away until you can? How are you with your money (what little or how much you have?) Do you give to other women the same kinds of things you give to her. (I'll say it again.) Do you give other women the same types of attention, compliments, time, and pieces of you you give to her. All these things fall under the category of "safety." It's human nature to not want to be hurt. If you're not on the side of wanting to protect and eliminate as much hurt from her life as possible, then you can only be on the side of introducing hurt to her. 

There you have it: the six things this girl wants.

What are yours?