The Problem Is...

Intimacy isn't easy for me.

Sex is easy for me, but intimacy isn't. And there is a difference.

I don't have many examples of intimacy in my life. I have the experiences that sound cliche I'm hesitant to share them ... so I won't. Shit happens -- and basically everyone I know experiences some sort of inappropriateness in their life. This isn't to minimize my (or anyone's) experience, by the way. It's just my attempt at moving on from it for the sake of this blog.

Shit happens.

The problem is when the "shit happens" taints the rest of your life's experiences. The problem is when you compare something healthy and meaningful to ... shit.

Unbeknownst to me, this is what I've been doing. I didn't realize it until she asked me if she had hurt my feelings in some way, or done something. Truthfully she hasn't. She didn't.

It really is me.

The problem is... finding someone who wants to do the "right" thing often times reminds you of every single time it was wrong. There's a sort of grieving process that takes place. I don't think you say goodbye to people when you break up, you say goodbye to patterns of expression or patterns of treatment that no longer work for you. When you can do that, saying goodbye to a person isn't that difficult. With the person comes whatever behavior. The behavior no longer works for you, so you can let it go. Easy Peasy.

If only it were.

I'm going to try really hard not to take it out on her. It's not her fault that she's one of the good ones. I'm one of the good ones for her, too.

We definitely deserve each other.