I'm not checking you out in the locker room.

This is a public service announcement to every straight woman I know from pretty much every gay (queer would just encompass us all, why can't we just say queer and be done with it? Next blog...)woman I know:

We do not want to fuck you. 

Usually.

Let me break this down for you, and I use "you" lightly. You know what "they" say -- if the shoe fits...

Women are attractive to me. I appreciate women for all different kinds of reasons. I'm one of those women who doesn't really even have a type because at any given moment "you" might do something that either turns me on incredibly or pisses me off tremendously rendering you undesirable and icky.

Let me back it up.

It seems that whenever I make the general announcement that I'm a lesbian, women, who are my friends, who have been perfectly comfortable with me previously, start acting funny around me. Any time I bring up a gay issue -- hell, any time I mention the weather almost, they are right there telling me how absolutely heterosexual they are. How much they love penis in their mouths and testicles banging against their chins and how they could never live without a nice juicy...you get the picture.  I'm not kidding. I could mention softball and someone close to me would find that too gay to not insert a heterosexual disclosure.

I have a very open and liberal family. Coming out to my family was really quite hilarious. I did it over a meal with my parents who informed me after I got done telling them that I "probably was, but wasn't quite sure, I was gay," that it was my life to do what I wanted, and to please pass the salt. They were not phased at all and the big confrontation that I had spent years preparing completely went to waste (see post on fighting.) My family was a breeze. You know what was the challenge and continues to be a challenge? My straight girlfriends.

All gay women do not want you. Just because you have a vagina, tits, and an ass does not make you automatically my type of woman. Especially if you are involved with someone (male OR female) I am not interested in you. Think about it for a second: just because you love men doesn't mean that all men are attractive to you.  Right?

Stop getting all nervous and agitated when I go into a locker room and you're changing.

If I give you a compliment and say you look nice, don't think I've been fantasizing about licking your coochie -- I'm just giving you a damn compliment. While we're on the subject: if I don't make a pass at you or compliment you, don't be all pouty and sensitive about it. Your attractiveness does not increase by 100 points when a lesbian compliments you. (Your shoes, however, do increase in value should a gay man compliment them. I'm just sayin...)

So -- my darling breeders (that's what my bestie Kenny calls you. It's all love.): Relax. It's going to be okay. If you relax and take it down a notch, we can get back to being the friends we were before you started imagining all the things I do to my girlfriend (or in my case want to do with my girlfriend.) Stop making my relationship (and consequently OUR relationship) all about sex. There is so much more to "us" than what we happen to be doing in bed (which is likely watching Tom & Jerry or arguing about why the socks are on the floor again.) Don't talk about your sex life in front of us if you don't want us to join in the conversation by talking about ours because really, your sex life doesn't really interest me and the same sort of "eeew" you might be experiencing when I talk about how she makes me feel, might be the "eeew" we are sayin when you talk about whether or not to swallow.

I'm just sayin.