Touchy Feely

I attended a graduation party tonight for my cousin's boyfriend, Harrison. He's exceptionally bright: math and political science major, graduating at the top of his class at UCLA, ran for city council and probably would have won if he wasn't twelve at the time, etc.

I didn't want to love him as much as I do, but he kind of grows on you after awhile.

But of course, I digress.

At the party tonight, Siri and Harrison were all over each other. They held hands, kissed occasionally, and she rubbed the back of his neck, it's not "all over" each other, but it's really quite romantic and sweet. They are both comfortable with it and it warms my little heart to see it. They are perfect together.

Earlier today I ran across a post on a Lesbian page I frequent and someone was complaining about not getting enough love and affection from their mate. "I told her," the person wrote, "that I need her on top of me all the time. I don't want to cheat, but ... "

But what?

Now, I'm an affectionate type of person. I will give hugs at a moments notice. If I just meet you, and I like you, you're getting a hug. I'd love to hold hands all the time with the person I love if I could. But I'm okay occasionally touching a knee, or just sitting beside a person. I don't translate frequent touches with love and affection. I understand that my way of showing affection is not someone else's way of showing love and affection.

Now, Jay is not a person who is going to rub my cheek in public, hold my hand or kiss me on the lips when we're sitting next to each other at a Mexican Restaurant. She doesn't like Mexican food really, but even if she did, she's not like that. She wasn't raised like that -- having people all touchy/feely and well ... I'm comfortable with her not liking that, because there's other ways that she shows me she loves me and as long as I know that's all that matters.

If I were to give her some type of ultimatum over us not touching each other in public, what the f does that really say about me? I'd have to ask myself: Why do you need for her to show her affection towards you in public, Kari? Really. Why? Is it so that other people know we're together? If I know, what does it matter?  Is it so that other people know she's with me? If I don't trust her, why are we together? A hand on my shoulder or back isn't going to reassure me if I have that much insecurity.

Now my cousin and her boyfriend are not touching on each other to show the world some type of message, they are, in my opinion, just naturally affectionate. Today at the graduation party, everyone wanted to give me a hug when I walked into the restaurant. I had just met 99 percent of them that evening, but they were hugging me like we were old friends. And I was okay with that. But that's my comfort level. That's not Jay's comfort level. And I would be an absolute bitch to not recognize and respect her guidelines.

If we are in private and the woman won't touch me or kiss me or wanna cuddle up to me (as long as my feet don't touch her ass) then we have a problem.

On the other hand, she's not going to be "on top of me" in private either.

I once dated this girl for a minute -- a minute -- who was all about the affection. She wanted to always be touching me and staring at me and telling me how beautiful I was every minute of the day and I swear I could count the number of seconds between each "I really like you" she spoke. At first it was kind of nice, I'm not going to lie. But after 30 minutes of that, it felt desperate. It felt like she wasn't telling me for me, she was saying it because she needed something out of it. Like I was suppose to turn around and give her the same sort of treatment. Just no. There's desperate touches that people can give you. They are like those "likes" on facebook that people frantically give in hopes that one or two might be returned on their statuses. You know they aren't reallllly liking what you have to say, but they are just being needy and wanting something from you.

Last I checked, people were telling the girl to grow up on that post. I don't blame them. Pick your battles. I don't need someone to be on me all the time, I need someone who is going to love me, appreciate me and be happy to see me. I'm old enough and mature enough to realize that people show that in different ways and I need to be open and appreciative of how my partner chooses to show me they love me. Without ultimatums. Without whining.

Well, with minimum whining.

I'm working on that.