My Coming Out Story (Basically)

I wrote about this on my facebook page, but I figured since Jay's post is about Bisexuality, I should probably write my story. There are sure to be questions.

So, I was born in 1967 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin one spring morning in April.

I'll fast forward.

I never dated in high school. It was a combination of being the only black girl in a small school and also a bit of childhood history that included quite a bit of abuse. We won't get into all of that except to say this: there is certain abuse that when experienced as a kid can kind of screw up your whole conception of what sex and attraction mean.

Continuing on.

When I got to college, I dated men. And, throughout my life, I had what I perceived to be "healthy" relationships with men. I never had any "feelings" about men except the feeling that I enjoyed being wanted and I thought it was pretty much my duty to please men (well, anyone, really) and so I did what I had been trained since the age of seven to do.

I don't talk much about my abuse with Jay because I know that it would upset her. She has met my family, and there are many things that have been resolved, and I hate the thought of her having to go through the kind of pain one goes through when they hear of a loved one being hurt to the extent I was. It's not pretty. It wasn't pretty. But it's over now.

Moving on.

So I grew up thinking I had a job to do. I didn't check in with myself, and I grew up to be someone who was very disconnected from her body. I was in some really horrible relationships. I stayed when I should have left. I put up with shit that no one should really put up with. Looking back, I think punished myself for having had some of the experiences I had. I think I went on to abuse myself and picked up where my perpetrators had left off.

There was one moment when I knew that I was attracted to women. I felt things that I had never felt about a man -- felt attraction towards a woman that I had never felt towards a man. I thought this must mean, not that I was a Lesbian, but that I was simply Bisexual. And I went on believing I was for at least a year. It was easier. No matter how much shit I heard about how Bisexuals were nasty and diseased ridden and cheaters and blah blah blah, I thought that's what I was. There was no way I wanted to think of my past with men as something I did on auto pilot. Something that I did out of habit -- out of some obligation. That my "feelings" I felt were nothing. Just some fun house mirror where everything you see in the reflection is distorted.

But there you have it. I don't find men attractive beyond "pretty." I never think about the things I want to do with men, never have. I don't fantasize about men. Don't get fluttery or goofy or nervous. And so, at the age of 45 and a half, I realized I wasn't bisexual at all. I was really, quite simply, a Lesbian.

Now imagine my disgust I had realizing that I fit every "stereotype" of bisexuality that I had ever read about. Here I was saying I was just momentarily "confused" and that I said "Bisexual" until I had it figured out. And what about all the work I had done previously to bring Bisexuality out of the closet and bring some respect to the orientation? Would people think I deserted them? Would I be termed a fraud? What about the relationships I had with men -- some of them "nice" and not too terribly bad. What about that? Would they be referred to as just a "phase" I had gone through?

There is only one answer I can give to all those nagging questions: I can't worry about it. I can only be my authentic and true self and stop, once and for all, worrying about pleasing other people. Just can't do it anymore.

I do believe that Bisexuality is a legitimate thing. I believe there are people who do love someone based on who they are and not by what is (or isn't) hanging between their legs. I could never be someone to disregard what was between the legs. I am not attracted to men in that way -- and that isn't something that has happened or occurred because of my abuse, even though I am an incest survivor. I believe that my attraction, my comfort zone, my spirit is drawn to women and always has been. The abuse didn't make it happen, the abuse just confused me for years --- made the answer hard for me to see.

So there is my coming out story. Complex, but it's all basically there. I hope that in reading my story, people are more gentle with one another and allow for different stories and different experiences. We don't all have it so easy to just know in a linear kind of way who and what we are. We need to allow time for people to figure things out -- know that we all have our different experiences, our different ghosts to come to terms with. And those of us who are older and just "coming out", we need to remind ourselves to be gentle and patient with ourselves. Don't be so quick to label yourself. Know that it takes time to settle and for the repressed you to know it is safe to come out. You have time. We'll wait for you with open arms.