It has taken me quite a few years to understand who I am. I was exposed to more than a little bit sexually (at a very young age), and as a result I grew up pretty fast. I've always had a keen awareness for things of adult nature -- probably many years before it was proper for me to know what I did. But with that knowledge came the opportunity to really understand things in a way that I feel very few people can reach. I've had many years to ruminate on the ins and outs of domination. Yeah. I said "ins and outs" for a reason. Because it's so much more than sex, but yet, that's where I see it expressed. We place the Stud/Boi etc. in this position to be the "top" and we think by "topping" someone you're the Dom. If you pay for her meal at dinner then you're the Dom. Make her fetch your slippers at night, get your beer or do your laundry. Suck your dick. Get on all fours and beg you for it. More often than not, being the Dom in a relationship means you call the shots in the relationship. Your way or the highway. "Dominate her" has come to mean some cave man mentality. There is no psychological work that needs to be done, nothing to earn or be given, and half the Doms out there don't even know that it has to do with the mind more than their genitals.
I did quite a bit of Dom/submissive work in my field of work. For years (and I do mean years) I worked and talked with people who were in the lifestyle so many people claim they know about. I saw first hand what it meant to have a Mistress and Master and what Dominant behavior looked like. I saw many, many submissive people and none of it looked a bit like anything I see flooding many a Lesbian website/facebook page/group. Femmes is not synonymous with submissive. Stud/Boi/Butch is not synonymous with Dom. That's worth reading over again.
I am what many would refer to as a femme. And coincidentally I do identify with being a submissive.
Thankfully, I understand what it is that I need in my life. It's not about being bent over and forced to take dick, or have my hands put over my head and fingered until I squirt or any of the other mainstream images we have "swallowed" like good little bois and girls. It's so much more than that. And, like I have told many submissive women and men through the years, one should be sure to give themselves to someone who truly understands the worth of the gift they are given.
So, I've given myself to a woman who understands that sometimes I need mental time outs. That sometimes I don't know how to settle myself down, that I think too much many times and that I can be extremely moody. She gets that it's not about ordering my food for me or giving me the flowers she thinks I should have. She is probably one of the most gentle people I know, but when she says "enough, baby" I know she means it. She has never talked to me about "top" and "bottom." She knows that our roles are fluid and that while we may play any number of roles in our future, we will always settle and find our true levels and accept each other. We both know it's not her job to provide for me, but I know she is capable. And while she enjoys the fact that I am her laundry fairy, she does know not to count on my femininity or submissiveness to do it for her but rather my loving and caring for her as my partner to motivate me.
And that is why I can give myself to her -- spiritually, physically, emotionally and one day soon, sexually ;), because she has shown me she can handle it. That she won't abuse it. That it's not some hoodie she puts on at the end of the day in order to get her kicks or rocks off. That she doesn't need to flex or boast about it for me to see it. I have given in ... for her. I know that there are many things I would argue with any number of people. I don't trust them to care for me the way I know Jay can. And she knows that my giving in and trusting her is about the most expensive thing I could ever give to her. There are times when I want to grab it back. There are many times I get scared. But at the end of the day I know that she has earned a part of me that no one else has ever had the right to own.
The Beginning...
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