One day I just might write a book about Long Distance Relationships or LDRs as we kids call it these days. ;)
There's a whole culture around Long Distance Relationships. When are you officially "dating?" When do you meet? When do you announce you're a couple and is that before or after you meet? When and how do you say "I love you" and mean it more than the casual "Love ya" you do on the internet? When do you introduce her to the family? When do you say you're in a relationship and change your status? Then there's the communicating -- how will you talk to one another? How many texts is too much or too little and how much do you talk on the phone? Do you have conversations with other people when you're on the phone, watch television, do your homework or do you just talk on the phone and nothing else? Let's not forget the whole sex thing. Do you have skype sex, facetime sex or phone sex or a combination of all three and does this happen before or after you do it in person? And speaking about "in person"-- who goes to visit who? Who moves? Do you move in after you meet? How long do you do the LDR before you move?
Yup. There's at least a book worth of valuable information and guidelines just waiting to be scribed.
I don't have time for all of that, but I thought about sharing little things about my current LDR that I find amusing.
I think it started after we spent eleven days together. Before then, if one of us fell asleep on the phone, we'd be embarrassed. There would be apologies, emphatic declarations that neither of us snored, and then we'd hang up and go to our own corners of the bed thousands of miles away from each other. Ok, not thousands, but over a thousand. But when we met, suddenly sleeping together became our sleeping pill. Mainly hers. Sorry baby.
Now when we talk on the phone, she's going to be sleeping and I'll be listening to her breathe into the phone. It's gonna happen. It's just a matter of time. Sometimes I'll join her, but the time difference and her new work schedule means she's usually winding down as I'm just getting started. So we talk for awhile and then the sound of sleeping breathing noises begin. At first I'd hang up as soon as she fell asleep, but then she'd call me back. "Where'd you go?" she would ask. "Baby, you were asleep," I'd reply. "But I woke up and you were gone." Yeah. So now I stay on the phone for probably close to an hour. I mute the phone and watch television while she slumbers like a baby, and, like a parent does with a sleeping child, softly start warning her in her sleep that I'm going to go soon. If she argues in words that actually make sense, I stick around a bit longer. But if her words come out like some strange disjointed drugged up dream state, I hang up and know that she's out for at least four hours. Sometimes I join her and sleep alongside her, headset in, curled up, eyes closed --- it's almost like how it was when we were sleeping next to each other except I don't feel the weight of her arms flung over my body, or feel her curled around me until the moment we both get way too warm. Typically my snoring will overpower hers and she'll hang up on me and I'll wake up when things are too silent wondering where she went.
It's a routine now. A habit. The only way we can sleep. To many it will probably sound insane. Probably as insane as the two of us on the phone for hours when we're home. Or being on the phone when we're talking to other people, something that would normally drive me crazy but with her seems perfect. LDRs are insane. As insane as falling madly in love with someone who lives miles away from you -- someone whose voice you feel in your bones.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Karma
It's not that I don't believe in Karma. It's that I don't believe in Karma the way that most people on social media do. Or at least most of the people I know on social media.
This is usually the conversation I hear:
So let me get this right: Karma is the little thing that bites you in the ass when you do bad shit to other people. So tell me, please, in the above example, who did "Her" piss off in a former or current life to get the cheating b. that cheated on her? Because that's how it works, isn't it? Karma keeps track of all the bad things you do and then when you're least expecting it, it comes in and punishes you.
Another conversation that took place in a letter I received once on LLA and the response from more than half of the people who responded:
People tend to just ignore that part of Karma and think instead it means in this life -- here and now. What you do tomorrow will affect negatively or positively what you do today. You're a jerk today? Then someone is going to be a jerk to you tomorrow. You cheat on someone this weekend and you'll see. In a month, someone will cheat on you. You give to charity today? You will receive an abundance of good things later, too.
Now, I am not saying that Karma doesn't exist in some way, but I think it's been severely bastardized on social media. It's as if no one knows what to say so they just say "Karma" much like someone forks over the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card when they find themselves behind bars during a competitive game of Monopoly. "I don't know quite how to help you in this predicament, but Karma. Yeah. That's it. Karma is what screwed you. That bad Karma. Gotta watch out for her." *smh*
This might work well with adults who do crappy things. But what about children with diseases? What about babies that are born to only die shortly after due to some genetic disease or illness? What about children who are abused by teachers, parents, friends, family members, church people? What about good, upright, never-do-wrong citizens that just happen to wake up in the morning and take the wrong plane, train, or bus? Or human beings that just happen to be born on the wrong continent in the wrong century in the wrong lifetime? What did they do wrong to bring Karma on their asses? I'll wait...
Sometimes bad shit just happens and there isn't anything we can do about it. There are things that can't be explained. And sometimes when people do "bad" stuff, Karma just appears as themselves, little reminders. Sometimes "Karma" appears in bad choices of partners because you feel you don't deserve a good one. Or appears as a traffic ticket because you didn't take time in the morning for yourself, got in your car, and forgot your wallet on the dresser. Sometimes we subconsciously give ourselves "time outs" when we don't consciously know to take them. Sometimes we punish ourselves because it's too hard to move forward and to forgive ourselves. Yeah -- sometimes Karma is you. And sometimes people who do really bad shit, never see a lick of Karma ever. And if they do, it's so miniscule they barely feel it kick them in the shins. There are tons of evil people in the world that never "get theirs."
That person that hurt you was a jerk. You didn't deserve to be mistreated. But instead of figuring out your revenge, you should heal yourself so that the anger and resentment you feel inside doesn't destroy you. That would be pretty crazy, huh?
I believe in good vibes and energy. We attract good things and sometimes we attract bad things. Sometimes the junk that we have inside of us signals people who survive off of that junk. They smell you coming a mile away -- like attracts like, sometimes. If you are a cheater then I believe it's possible that you will attract people who are also cheaters. If you don't believe in your own self worth then I believe people who prey on people who have low self worth will have an easier time finding and hurting you than let's say, someone with a higher self worth. Sometimes life just isn't fair and bad things happen to really great and really good people.
Sometimes victims find it easier to blame themselves and find people in the world to continue treating them in the way they (the victim) feels they deserve than to see that sometimes life just doesn't make a lick of sense and sometimes we don't get what we deserve and sometimes things don't get better for a long time (and sometimes not at all...)
But that takes too long to explain. So... Karma. Yeah, Karma. Karma will fix it.
This is usually the conversation I hear:
Her: And that bitch cheated on me. I hate her. I gave her my all, my everything and what did she give me? Lies and more lies. I'm tired of crying. I'm going to go out right now and slash her tires. I'm going to key her car. I'm going to make her pay for the pain that I felt.
Her Friend: Girl. Don't even worry about it. Karma. Karma will bite her in the ass.
So let me get this right: Karma is the little thing that bites you in the ass when you do bad shit to other people. So tell me, please, in the above example, who did "Her" piss off in a former or current life to get the cheating b. that cheated on her? Because that's how it works, isn't it? Karma keeps track of all the bad things you do and then when you're least expecting it, it comes in and punishes you.
Another conversation that took place in a letter I received once on LLA and the response from more than half of the people who responded:
Dear LLA: I cheated on my girl. Yeah, I know it was wrong but things were going bad for a long time. So me and new girl were going strong when all of a sudden -- I just started to get a feeling. I knew she was doing something so I looked in her computer and saw the emails between her and her "bae." Apparently they love each other and want to be together and she was saying she made a terrible mistake and it was her she wanted. What do I do. My heart is broken. Signed: LostBefore I get too far ahead of myself, here's a definition of Karma -- simplified. Karma is defined as the summary of what you do in this life (or a previous life) having an affect on a future existence. Most of the people yelling the loudest about Karma don't even believe in another life outside of the one they are currently living, much less a future existence -- so how does that work exactly?
Dear Lost: Karma sucks, huh?
People tend to just ignore that part of Karma and think instead it means in this life -- here and now. What you do tomorrow will affect negatively or positively what you do today. You're a jerk today? Then someone is going to be a jerk to you tomorrow. You cheat on someone this weekend and you'll see. In a month, someone will cheat on you. You give to charity today? You will receive an abundance of good things later, too.
Now, I am not saying that Karma doesn't exist in some way, but I think it's been severely bastardized on social media. It's as if no one knows what to say so they just say "Karma" much like someone forks over the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card when they find themselves behind bars during a competitive game of Monopoly. "I don't know quite how to help you in this predicament, but Karma. Yeah. That's it. Karma is what screwed you. That bad Karma. Gotta watch out for her." *smh*
This might work well with adults who do crappy things. But what about children with diseases? What about babies that are born to only die shortly after due to some genetic disease or illness? What about children who are abused by teachers, parents, friends, family members, church people? What about good, upright, never-do-wrong citizens that just happen to wake up in the morning and take the wrong plane, train, or bus? Or human beings that just happen to be born on the wrong continent in the wrong century in the wrong lifetime? What did they do wrong to bring Karma on their asses? I'll wait...
Sometimes bad shit just happens and there isn't anything we can do about it. There are things that can't be explained. And sometimes when people do "bad" stuff, Karma just appears as themselves, little reminders. Sometimes "Karma" appears in bad choices of partners because you feel you don't deserve a good one. Or appears as a traffic ticket because you didn't take time in the morning for yourself, got in your car, and forgot your wallet on the dresser. Sometimes we subconsciously give ourselves "time outs" when we don't consciously know to take them. Sometimes we punish ourselves because it's too hard to move forward and to forgive ourselves. Yeah -- sometimes Karma is you. And sometimes people who do really bad shit, never see a lick of Karma ever. And if they do, it's so miniscule they barely feel it kick them in the shins. There are tons of evil people in the world that never "get theirs."
That person that hurt you was a jerk. You didn't deserve to be mistreated. But instead of figuring out your revenge, you should heal yourself so that the anger and resentment you feel inside doesn't destroy you. That would be pretty crazy, huh?
I believe in good vibes and energy. We attract good things and sometimes we attract bad things. Sometimes the junk that we have inside of us signals people who survive off of that junk. They smell you coming a mile away -- like attracts like, sometimes. If you are a cheater then I believe it's possible that you will attract people who are also cheaters. If you don't believe in your own self worth then I believe people who prey on people who have low self worth will have an easier time finding and hurting you than let's say, someone with a higher self worth. Sometimes life just isn't fair and bad things happen to really great and really good people.
Sometimes victims find it easier to blame themselves and find people in the world to continue treating them in the way they (the victim) feels they deserve than to see that sometimes life just doesn't make a lick of sense and sometimes we don't get what we deserve and sometimes things don't get better for a long time (and sometimes not at all...)
But that takes too long to explain. So... Karma. Yeah, Karma. Karma will fix it.
Monday, August 18, 2014
When Sad Leaves
Yesterday I sat down at my desk and started to type the beginnings of a poem -- I hoped. I saw it already on the paper -- a short blank verse documenting a scribe of gratefulness to every sadness I had ever experienced. Even the day my mother told my family I had died so she wouldn't have to see the reminder of the man she loved and lost got a pretty bird thank you. I would have pressed my lips firmly against the back of the envelope the way that long lost lover pen pals do sometimes. Maybe I'd mist it with a scent of sugar and almond butter, slip a picture inside in case the sadness needed a reminder of what I looked like back when it could have killed me.
Because now that I'm sitting here -- at this crossroads of high definition happy -- sadness even when pressed against me -- so close that I can smell the salt on its skin -- doesn't look the same. Even when it catches my breath and wrings it tightly, I can't be too upset at the drive-by.
Because just look...look at the presents sad leaves at my door after it says goodbye.
Monday, August 11, 2014
If You Pray Really Hard...
One of the stories featured this woman who was a Lesbian. Yeah. I said was.
She was what we old timers would call "butch" -- not a drop of "boi" in her. Short, short hair, no earrings, most comfortable in "men's" clothing, seemingly more dominant. A top. She went to church and became "saved." She was healed of her homosexuality. This means that someone actually brought her to church, and then encouraged her to step forward when they asked if anyone had any "demons" they needed exorcised. And some pastor who probably got his license on line for $35, put his hands on her forehead and proclaimed her "saved" from the homosexual demon.
Fine. Do what makes you happy, love.
Friends from the church escorted her home and proceeded to make her over. Gave her girl clothes, put earrings in her ears, prayed for a mate for her -- a nice man because "that's the type of person she deserves."
This woman had a son. And this son is gay. And wouldn't you know this woman brought her son to the church to be saved -- that is -- CURED of his homosexuality. And after her son refused, asking his mother to love him as he was, she said to the camera that she would rather die than to go back to the gay lifestyle. She would rather die. She would take herself out.
What. The. Frick?
Being gay is so bad that some type of conversion is necessary. And if that doesn't work, then only death can prevent the evilness that is seeping through your pores. Is that what the bible says?
If any church ever said this to me, I would be out of there. This is not church. What type of church could make you feel that anything you are and anything you do is so damned awful that if God can't cure it only death is the cure. What church would ever pray over someone and think that could change their sexuality or that a wardrobe change and tacky earrings could make you suddenly love penis.
If that works for you, then you should be happy. You should be jumping around and shopping at Macy's, polishing your nails and wearing extensions because that makes you excited. When you lay down and a man puts his penis inside of you, you should feel like you've "come home" and be thankful for having found your way. You should be telling others of your discovery OPEN to the possibility that this might not be their path and they will be just as loved and just as "saved" as you are. You most definitely shouldn't be sobbing about taking yourself out if you go back to who you were before. And you definitely shouldn't be telling your own flesh and blood that there is something wrong with him because he doesn't believe as you do.
I'm so disgusted that any church would do such a thing to their parishioners. So disgusted.
When I was eight years old, a friend told me that if I prayed hard enough God would make me white. Her suggesting I needed to pray was enough for me to believe that my being black was wrong. So I prayed. In the morning... well... you know. So I went around feeling ashamed that this somehow meant I hadn't prayed hard enough. My being black was a sign of my sinfulness and not being faithful enough.
This is about as ridiculous as someone's sexuality being a sign of sinfulness. And the likelihood of that being changed by prayer just as impossible.
But what do I know? If you pray realllllllllly hard...
Friday, August 1, 2014
"Dear Kari" Letter #1
I received this letter in my inbox today:
There is so much to write about on the subject of religion, and I foolishly thought I could just write it in a few hours. But I can't. It's too important and it's too intricate for me to just throw out a bunch of paragraphs and think I've done anything of value. I promise I will come back to Homosexuality and the Bible, but it will have to wait until I can properly do it justice.
But this letter is important and I will graze the subject of religion in answering it.
It's fine if your girlfriend doesn't consider herself gay, but she is entering into a gay relationship or same sex relationship, if you will. And that is important because sometimes in homophobic families people skate on by by not naming what they are doing and how they are feeling. If you are out of the closet and in a same sex relationship and want to say you aren't "gay" but everyone knows your girlfriend and you live out in the open then that's one thing. But saying you aren't anything is ... well... that's a tiny red flag for me.
*big breath*
Bottom Line:
As long as you are a secret, you are battling the closet you fought hard to come out of. As long as you are someone's secret, you are hiding a part of who you are. And as long as you hide a part of who you are, the more likely you are to feel ashamed. And feeling ashamed will lead to being angry -- and anger turned inward turns to depression. This is not healthy in any way, shape, or form.
I have a few suggestions: Find a church that is gay Friendly. Find and speak to a person in the church who can help you understand completely the literature that has been used against gay people (and black people and women and ....) and learn what the Bible is really saying about you. Bring your girlfriend with you. See if the pastor of the church offers counseling or find a counselor on your own who is familiar with LGBTQ issues. Watch and read any literature on the Bible and homosexuality you can get your hands on starting with "For the Bible Tells Me So."
If she does not eventually come out, despite her families beliefs, then she is in danger, and she is not open to being a suitable partner for you. It will be too hard on you (as you hint at in your letter) to be the secret. You might start to resent her, and that would be unfair. To both of you.
I thought I might be able to write a blog about religion and homosexuality today -- but I can't. It's just so much to get into and I have limited time at the moment. But I will talk about it -- a little bit at a time. For now let me say that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality. The Bible condemns people's misuse of each other for spiritual gain or for political gain. The examples in the bible of "homosexual acts" are just that -- acts. There is no homosexual relationship in the bible that is condemned -- there is only a bunch of behavior that is frowned upon. If God hated homosexuals as much as the fundamental Christians would like for us to believe, why doesn't he ever mention it? And why doesn't Jesus EVER say one single word about it. All the lessons on the mountains and all the fishing trips he and the disciples went on? You'd think he would have something to say about homosexuality if it was such a big deal, right?
Anyway -- it's a big subject. And I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it in your relationship. Take good care and find someone who can help you through this, bit by bit.
Good luck.
I am a lesbian and I am currently with a woman that I adore. She does not consider her self gay, she just fell in love with me as I did with her, and we have been discussing this subject. She knows her family will never accept this life style because they are very religious and do not believe or accept homosexuality, so I am a secret to her family and it's really starting to bother me. I am in need of guidance of my situation. I love this woman to death but I know no one will ever know because she is not in a position to let anyone even her close friends know of me.
There is so much to write about on the subject of religion, and I foolishly thought I could just write it in a few hours. But I can't. It's too important and it's too intricate for me to just throw out a bunch of paragraphs and think I've done anything of value. I promise I will come back to Homosexuality and the Bible, but it will have to wait until I can properly do it justice.
But this letter is important and I will graze the subject of religion in answering it.
It's fine if your girlfriend doesn't consider herself gay, but she is entering into a gay relationship or same sex relationship, if you will. And that is important because sometimes in homophobic families people skate on by by not naming what they are doing and how they are feeling. If you are out of the closet and in a same sex relationship and want to say you aren't "gay" but everyone knows your girlfriend and you live out in the open then that's one thing. But saying you aren't anything is ... well... that's a tiny red flag for me.
*big breath*
Bottom Line:
As long as you are a secret, you are battling the closet you fought hard to come out of. As long as you are someone's secret, you are hiding a part of who you are. And as long as you hide a part of who you are, the more likely you are to feel ashamed. And feeling ashamed will lead to being angry -- and anger turned inward turns to depression. This is not healthy in any way, shape, or form.
I have a few suggestions: Find a church that is gay Friendly. Find and speak to a person in the church who can help you understand completely the literature that has been used against gay people (and black people and women and ....) and learn what the Bible is really saying about you. Bring your girlfriend with you. See if the pastor of the church offers counseling or find a counselor on your own who is familiar with LGBTQ issues. Watch and read any literature on the Bible and homosexuality you can get your hands on starting with "For the Bible Tells Me So."
If she does not eventually come out, despite her families beliefs, then she is in danger, and she is not open to being a suitable partner for you. It will be too hard on you (as you hint at in your letter) to be the secret. You might start to resent her, and that would be unfair. To both of you.
I thought I might be able to write a blog about religion and homosexuality today -- but I can't. It's just so much to get into and I have limited time at the moment. But I will talk about it -- a little bit at a time. For now let me say that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality. The Bible condemns people's misuse of each other for spiritual gain or for political gain. The examples in the bible of "homosexual acts" are just that -- acts. There is no homosexual relationship in the bible that is condemned -- there is only a bunch of behavior that is frowned upon. If God hated homosexuals as much as the fundamental Christians would like for us to believe, why doesn't he ever mention it? And why doesn't Jesus EVER say one single word about it. All the lessons on the mountains and all the fishing trips he and the disciples went on? You'd think he would have something to say about homosexuality if it was such a big deal, right?
Anyway -- it's a big subject. And I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it in your relationship. Take good care and find someone who can help you through this, bit by bit.
Good luck.
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